Why and How I Threw My Daughter a "Welcome to Feminism" Party

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies of me and eaten alive.”-Audre Lorde 

Like many Black feminists, I keep this quote above my desk but it’s location is pretty pointless since I’ve repeated it so much that I have committed it to memory. It’s one of my guiding mantras. A daily reminder that I have an obligation to push back when other people try to determine who I am and how I should show up in the world. It’s not easy for Black women to define themselves. So, when two years ago, my then 6-year-old daughter told me she was a feminist, I recognized it as her attempt at self-definition and wanted to celebrate her enormous bravery. 

Before Cori made this declaration, she expressed interest by telling me that she wanted to be a feminist when she grew up. I'll admit, I was initiatlly confused as I wondered why she thought feminism was an occupation and not a politics. But, I do run a women’s center, so I can see her little mind conflating the two. I explained to her that while mommy’s job is to make a better world for women and girls, feminism is a belief system that basically says that girls and boys should be treated the same. Her eyes lit up with the realization that even kids could be feminists.  

A few weeks later she came back and said with certainty, “Mom. I decided that I am a feminist.” Full disclosure: I saw this day coming. This is, after all, a little girl who had her first taste of solid food at a Crunk Feminist Collective weekend retreat. Furthermore, she comes to work with me often and plays Legos with feminist leaders on campus. Even her play aunties are dope feminist writers, organizers, thinkers, and creators actively working on gender equity. Moreover, she was starting to pick up on gender roles around her with increasing intensity. She noticed that only three of the teachers at her school were men. She was furious that only the boys in her gym class received compliments for their pushups even though she’d been working on her form all summer. And she seemed bewildered and annoyed at the realization that Mrs. Claus does not have a first name like her husband Santa. So, I was proud to see the beginning fruits of this careful investment. However, I was not prepared for it to happen so early. I wondered what it meant to declare a politics so young and what it means as a parent to take that declaration seriously.  

This wasn’t the first time Cori decided who she was and what she needed to navigate the world. A few months earlier, she marched her little self down the church aisle and told everyone that she believed in Jesus and was ready to be baptized. The difference with her feminist declaration was that I had no idea what came next. See, there was a clear plan for when she decided she was a Christian. There was a ceremony where she was laid into water with all of her family watching. Afterwards, she was able to put on a beautiful new white dress, receive congratulatory gifts from the church, and go eat at her favorite restaurant. She felt special and knew it was a special day.  I wanted her feminist declaration to receive the same pomp and circumstance because for me, becoming a feminist was a really big deal. I wanted her to know that having faith in a value system is just as important as having faith in a religious system. More importantly, I wanted her to know that any and every time she declared who she was it should be celebrated.  

But since I couldn’t find a model for how to celebrate her entry into feminism, I decided to create one. I want to share what I did for a few reasons.  

First, I share this because I want us to create more feminist rituals. I think there’s something really important about having experiences that not only mark time but create time. Rituals connect us to traditions and to other people, past, present, and future unified in knowing the have a shared experience. I have experienced rituals in church, in my sorority, and college graduation. I want some feminist rituals too! 

I’m also sharing this because I want to chronicle this for the feminist archives. We get a bad rap as joy killers. But in truth, my feminism is analytical, angry, and litty. I want the record to reflect that our feminism is full of all kinds of celebrations, silliness, dance, music, food, laughter, and joy.   

Finally, I’m sharing this because I want us to see the everyday ways we can #trustblackgirls. They know what is best for their lives. This is one example of what it looks like to support their attempts at being self-defining and to be a safe space to try out their beliefs.  

So, here’s how I created a ritual to celebrate my daughter’s decision to be a feminist and welcome her into our circle. I hope you are inspired to copy and paste it or remix it for your own purposes. Here’s to making more feminist rituals and celebrations!  

6 Steps to Planning a Welcome to Feminism Party

Step 1: Pick a location and invite some feminist homies

I wanted other feminists to be a part of the celebration so that Cori could see that feminism is about community and collectivity. My best friend Diana was coming into town for a conference, so we aligned our celebration with her visit. While the celebration was simple enough to be done at home, I knew going out to eat would make Cori feel special. 

Step 2: Have them declare themselves a feminist

There’s something powerful about making public declarations of intentions and goals in front of a supportive community (ex., wedding vows). In that spirit, we kicked off the celebration by allowing her to tell us in her own words why she was a feminist.  Here’s Cori in her own words. (I don’t know what the military stuff was about but she was very passionate about that for some reason. lol).

Step 3: Share testimonies and stories

It was important that she heard how those around her came to feminism and the value that it brought to our lives. I shared that I didn’t even know what feminism was until college, but I liked it because I was a hip-hop head and it gave me language for understanding why the rap girls were treated differently.  Diana shared her experience getting excited in her African American Studies classes when she learned about the contributions that Black women made to liberation struggles. And my husband shared that he became a stronger feminist when she was born and he wanted to do everything he could to ensure she would live a full, free life.  

Step 4: Present symbols

We spent the days before the celebration assembling a “toolkit” that would help make feminism more tangible for her and give her a feminist foundation that she could build upon. We presented her with:  

1. A friendship bracelet so that she would know that one of our core tenets is sisterhood. Feminism is for everybody, but it is undergirded by the principles that we trust women, we believe women, and women stick together.  

2. A rainbow-colored football so that she remembers that girls can do anything boys can do. We wanted her to know that she should never limit herself or allow anyone else to limit her. 

3. A plush heart so that she’d always know that at its core, feminism is about love.  

4. A daisy seedling to symbolize the shared duty of growing another feminist.  

Step 5: Conduct a rite of passage

For the right of passage, we passed around a “feminist” enamel pin and warmed it with our wishes that feminism bring her friendship, courage, and limitless possibilities.  

Step 6: Present gifts

Finally, we presented her with feminist-centered gifts to complete the celebration. She is an avid reader, so she received copies of Little Leaders: Bold Women in Black History and Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls. These continue to be some of her favorite books today.  

Here’s a video of the presentation of symbols and the rite of passage:

-- 

So, that’s how I ushered my daughter into the incredible world of feminism and challenged myself to imagine what the world would be like if we believed what little Black girls said, thought, and hoped for. She’s going to need new tools as her friendships and other relationships get more complicated. I don’t know what feminist parenting at that stage looks like yet, but I do know that when that time comes, you’re invited to the party.