The B's & T's of Life After Love(rs)

It has been a little over five months since we said goodbye for good. It took that long to get myself to the “I hope you are well, I am” phase. Here’s a few reflections from the post-love-life months on getting immersed in my joy with myself.

Nettrice Gaskins teaches AI to love Black people like we should love ourselves.

The B’s:

1. Bedding-First thing, if you can, take the previously shared bedding to the guest bed (if you have one) or to Goodwill and start over with new bedding of fresh sheets, extra pillows, and warm colors. If you have been sleeping with another person for years, then you might need a good draping position. Euro pillows are a really good option in addition the standards.

2. Break free of old routines…make room for new ones. Sometimes the memories catch hold of you because you are doing the same things you did with your former lover without them around. You might not even enjoy doing it, it was a compromise that you made that you no longer have to participate in. Listen to the Chani app with some tea and learn about your astrology for the week or try out her soothing meditations to wind down for great sleep. The room is all yours so live in it.

3. Be present for the beauty of the people in your life who bring you joy, for me it’s my beautiful son and my besties. In relationships (depending on how you live in them and your dependency tendencies) we spend time managing the daily relationship and the time we want to spend with people who fill our cups (and us theirs). Call your people and get together for as long as you both need to get full.

4. Be busy at Black bookstores, breweries, and Black boozy brunches even if you don’t drink…I know you read, so grab a seat at the bar with your newest “get free” book and shake your shoulders to Stevie Wonder, stuffed french toast and a mimosa. Furthermore, if you love music and people, wine and good food and you live in a major city be out at City Winery because you can plan a season of concerts to attend; sit at the bar or if the price is right buy multiple tickets and invite your people to join you.

5. Be active in your faith, your community, and your creativity because it will fill your life with joyful noise and hugs from people who want you to win (touch matters). Or fill your quiet hours with tactile ways to express your emotions instead of musing on what went wrong or could have been done differently.

6. Binge the streams and be on the comfy couch.

The T’s

1. Travel and collect new memories. Remember when you were invited to do a thing you really wanted to do but could not tear yourself away, it did not fit in their schedule, they did not want to do it and thought you didn’t really need to splurge, well guess what…Go! In five months I hit 7 states and my phone is filled with pictures from every stop at a museum, lunch/dinner with friends, and dancing for hours while singing at the top of my lungs. My soul is full.

2. Therapy (this could go up top because I have the baddest Black Therapist and healing collective there is—for me). If you don’t unpack, process, release, and grow then many of the other B’s & T’s I mentioned will simply be distractions. When the dust settles the same issues will be sitting there waiting for your attention. You can do both simultaneously.

3. Tai Chi because I like it and I always wanted to do it. Plus Philly is Blackity-Black-Black so I found a Black Tai Chi class too.

4. Treat yourself to a massage or pedicure or something regular because touch matters. At the very least give yourself a pedicure or rub your own damn shoulders and maybe get some gadget from Bed Bath and Beyond.

5. Trust yourself to be exactly what you need right now. The good love you want is on the other side of the great love you have for yourself.

The most important part of all of this is that you Believe you are your Best Thing!

That’s All I Got!