Parenting While Healing

I refuse to let past trauma inform present parenting

I didn’t say I hate you, but I feel hate right now. –15 year old Black teen

For us, you can’t say that you’re about the revolution if you’re committed to seeing your parents as the enemy…. We can be deeply critical of our parents and even put up boundaries around our relationships with our parents, but we [feminists] make it a practice to try and see them with loving eyes. (This does not apply if your parents are abusive…) a lot of times we are harder on the people who show up and try than we are on the people who don’t. Feminist AF (114)

Parenting while trying to heal from your own trauma is emotionally draining!

This has been a month. It began with putting on a major event for work that took over a year to pull off but also took everything out of me at work. In the moments leading up to it I was left with no filter, no boundaries, and no energy to manage all the boxes where I store the worst of my trauma. Every abuser cycled in my consciousness in ways that they have not taken up residency in my mind collectively ever. At the same time, my feelings about my parents preference that I continue to protect them from their poor choices was inducing quiet rage. Everything bubbled to the surface and spilled out like hot lava—everything.

The trauma of childhood abuse and molestation.

The trauma of being raped as a teenager by a family member.

The trauma of rejection and lack of protection by the non-residential parent.

The trauma of recognizing that I manage this pain daily as an adult to protect my parents from the truth of my childhood.

First spill, I informed (former) non-residential parent that I intend to divorce the other, and that I release myself from the responsibility of being (former) residential parent’s caretaker. I left home at 18 and escaped to college like many others. When they responded that I should seek spiritual guidance I scheduled a meeting with my pastor to spite them, but I informed them that I was not dealing with this issue until after my work event. Setting up some boundaries.

Second spill, so when my kid did something egregious and ridiculous the week leading up to my event—a big mistake with immediate consequences to my travel week—I contacted non-res parent to let them know about the issue and they used it as an opportunity to breach my boundaries. I snapped (no filter) and said it ALL including demanding to know why they did not take me at 14 when I requested to leave. This set the stage for a 4th Cold War (meaning months likely with no communication).

Sidenote: currently not speaking with, receiving calls, or reviewing texts from res parent who never respects boundaries.

Third spill, it’s a week after my event and I text non-res parent to set up time to talk and no response. I text again to ask if they are willing to talk and the response is numbing. They accuse me of “victimizing” them because I asked them why they left me to deal with res parent. I am told that if I really thought about it I would know that if they had taken me it would have been “worse for everyone.” In a fit of rage, my response was to comprehensively spell out all of my abuse to them via text. Wrong move, bit it’s done! I “said” it. Now complete silence from that parent.

This is all happening behind my eyes, but in front of my face is still my kid who is trying to understand why they have consequences for intentionally allowing another kid to destroy a $500 item that belonged to them and I have to parent them now—not next month when I feel more capable. I cannot bring the energy of my past trauma to my present parenting and yet I am sunken on the inside and they need my attention now. I’m exhausted.

They have learned over the years that others manipulate me to get what they want, and they mimic this behavior. They can see that I have been conditioned to make sure everyone else is okay all while ignoring my own needs, and they use it to their advantage. And yet they are still an amazing kid who is deserving of love and attention and correction and an opportunity to grow, mature, and be better.

Trying to hold all of this together and continue to function in this last month has been one of the most difficult things I have experienced. But I have made a commitment to take up residency in my own body. To feel my own feelings, and to set up boundaries that keep me safe and help me to heal/recover long term.

I commit to parenting in a way that requires my kid to respect me, to listen to me, and to appreciate that all of their needs are met because I work hard to create an abuse-free environment where they can thrive. I try to parent intentionally even when they are not speaking to me, don’t like their punishment or rules, when they haven’t hugged me in nearly a month, and when they stare at me with rage. Here’s what I know, the trauma they are dealing with is not related to me or this moment, my responsibility is to keep showing up for them and supporting them to work through the real challenges they must confront. My parents, on the other hand, it is not my responsibility to parent them. I will however re-parent the little girl inside of me and let her know that she is safe now. I release my parents to deal with their own issues until they are ready to respect my truths and my boundaries.

Facebook must be listening, reading my mind and my texts because these Wild Heart and Elephant Journal messages have all showing up in my feed these last few weeks. Not sure how I feel about this but—message received!